As the month draws to an end, I can´t stop myself from thinking that for the longest of times, I could not, for the life of me, remember what I did in any given September. Worse yet: looking back, I couldn´t even tell how the month had passed.
It had always been the month to come back to work after long and nice holidays; the month of plans and projects; the month of creativity and thoughts on new and exciting things to do; the time for looking ahead and foreseeing a good, ripe next couple of months.
Except for this year. I can´t remember sadder or voider holidays and I can´t remember that many days in a row thinking – and not the usual, dreamy thoughts. No, I mean scrambled thoughts, the painful type, the type that makes you constantly ask yourself: how did I get here? Could I have stopped to just back off, at some – at any point? Would it have changed anything at all?
Such thoughts happen when everything you´ve worked for is ripped off of you; when all your passion and commitment is turned into dust and then wiped out with the dirty blanket of “if we don´t talk about it, it doesn´t exist”; when all you have treasured in terms of people gets knocked down and out – just like that and just because.
There is no reasoning, though. I could have just tried to make myself feel better and keep telling myself: it´s not you, it´s them. It´s not you who has been illogical, unreasonable, self-destructive; it´s not you who has been blatantly lying to yourself and the others, it´s not you who have not stayed true to your beliefs. Yet, it is me. It was me who kept trying when I should have given up long before; it was me who still believed and still trusted; it was me who still hoped and was willing to keep fighting. So yes, it was me who had been illogical, unreasonable, self-destructive, it was me who had been blatantly lying to myself and the others, it was me who had not stayed true to my beliefs.
For the longest of times, I thought being determined and not willing to give up only went to show strength of character. For the longest of times, I was most probably wrong. Or at least, I should have chosen my battles carefully. This time, I should have given up long ago. I was wrong not to.
Sunny days follow this longest September. And with it, the joy of new beginnings – boy, was I in dire need of one. I can see ahead again. And I see a mirror that I chose to put in front of me so I can tell myself to take a long, deep look into it, to see who I am, what I truly want and above all: what crap I will not take anymore.
This is the kind of crap that comes from mediocrity and incompetence, from never having had to work hard for anything, from being born with daddy´s silver spoon in their dirty mouths, and from never being able to accept it as such. This comes from never ever being able to acknowledge their non-worth, their ridiculousness, their failure as businesspeople, their powerlessness in front of real people – better, nicer, more educated, more literate people. This comes from the arrogance and contempt towards all others not born in money. This comes from the innate inability to put a good mirror in front of them and take that long, deep look. In this crappy world built on money, drowning in money and where money is the only scale, they will always have their place. They definitely deserve all the best coming their way.
Nefelibata 